I'm not the type of person to spout "woe is me" type statuses on Facebook. I might tell you that in person, sure, but I don't need the "oh poor you" attention on mass. I wouldn't normally write something like this for anyone and everyone to see, whoever happens to come across it but I feel that maybe I need to vent a few things in writing just to at least attempt to get a bit of it off my chest.
I miss my sister. Immensely.
I have no words for the feeling I get in my stomach when I casually think "Oh I'll have to tell Sarah that" and just as quickly realise I can't. That I will never see her again.
I hate that I can't pick up the phone for a usually overdue chat. "Chat" sometimes translates as "rant", just so you know; and it went both ways for whoever needed it. There is no one else that "gets me" in the same sort of way. She was never too positive either which was great because I have those people too...the ones that are too positive, starting sentences with "Well at least..." or "It's a good job..." when I just want someone to agree with me that everything's pretty damn awful for a change.
I do have people "in my life", yes. But apparently not very many of them that are any more than just that and don't speak unless I speak first through text, emails, social media. The only person that ever phones me is my Mum. So I've come to the conclusion that I won't bother with any of these people any more. Clearly they don't care about me otherwise it wouldn't be this way, so I'd rather they weren't there under false pretences and just go away all together. That may sound harsh to you but the truth usually is.
I'm an introvert. I'm not a going out drinking sort of person, I don't like it, it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't enjoy staying in other people's houses, it makes me feel anxious. I prefer my own safe space with my cats, some TV, books, video games and YouTube. That's how I feel the most like myself. I'm not saying I don't go out ever; I enjoy the theatre and gigs and if someone said "let's go ice skating" I'd be incredibly happy to spend time with someone doing something fun and a bit silly. But then again, if someone were to say "I'll come round yours and we can watch Doctor Who all day and eat" I'd realise I'd probably found my soulmate. So if you consider that's all I'm really asking for and I don't really care who from...it's really not much, so why is it so hard?
You might say "well, why don't you just phone them if you want to talk to them?". I could. But people have families...children and routines. I don't...I am free most of the time, I only work 18 hours a week so it's rather a lot easier for it to work the other way round. I don't want to keep bothering people who have no concern for me unless I remind them to do so.
When I came home after my sister passed away, I was alone. While everyone else went back to their homes with partners and children, I was alone. No one spoke to me. I could have fallen off the face of the earth and they wouldn't have noticed.
People have some weird glossy view of a person after they die, don't they? They forget all the not-so-nice things about them which I suppose is quite lovely in a way; just remembering everything as if it was covered in stars and rainbows whilst we all gallop off into the sunset on our unicorns.
Sarah was quite a stressy sort of person and as much I look up to her and love her, she also quite often scared the living daylights out of me with her shouting/screeching when I was younger. Even as an adult I did my best to avoid eye contact first thing in the morning. Not that I'd done anything wrong. She also said some very nasty things about people for things that weren't their fault. She didn't like people doing things in ways that she personally wouldn't do them, it's like she took personal offence even though it didn't usually affect her life in the slightest and it was never anything that actually mattered.
This isn't to paint a picture of her in a bad light by any stretch of the imagination. It's just that bit more...real. She was a real person. Everyone has these things about them and it's part of them so we shouldn't only remember the good because that's not who they were.
Aside from this, Sarah was one of the funniest people I've ever known. And not for any particular reason...just silly, childish things. We spent hours in Disneyland Paris on a girls' trip walking behind my Mum through the park pulling faces and laughing whilst my Mum occasionally informed us "I can hear you, you know!". I think Sarah was about 31 then and I was around 14. We went on Rock 'N Rollercoaster (goes all over the place very fast whilst blasting Aerosmith songs in your ears) and didn't realise it went upside down. I'd bought a hat and she spent the whole ride screaming "Where's your hat? WHERE'S YOUR HAT?". I still had my hat, in case you're wondering.
It would take too long to share every one of these sorts of memories with you. Although, I'm always happy to talk about them. I'm glad we did so many things together, just the two of us. There's no beating one on one time with loved ones. We mainly enjoyed musicals or concerts. Our last venture was to see Jesus Christ Superstar in the O2 Arena (the lead was cast on TV judged by Andrew Lloyd Webber, Melanie C, Dawn French and Jason Donovan). In the interval Sarah said "I wonder if Jason's here" and as she said it whilst facing me, I noticed that behind her head a few metres away he was stood chatting to someone and said "he's just there". I then listened to her "Oh my God"s for the rest of the interval.
I miss her so very much and unfortunately I don't feel I have anyone else that cares very much for my general existence other than my Mum (Sarah once told me off because I'd not made a point of letting her know I had a chest infection...A bit farfetched but at least it meant she was bothered about it!). Another person may say something along the lines of "sorry this was so negative" etc but I'm not that person. I'm not having a great time in my life right now and I won't pretend otherwise. I'm fed up of worrying about what everyone else thinks of me...that's just who I am, I shouldn't have to be someone I'm not. My cats are the only beings who love me without judgement. And humans think they're better than animals. Go figure.
Quite frankly, I deserve better.
So considering I should have a fair few people around me; I can honestly say I've never felt so lonely.
Falv
